Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
About Varied / Professional Core Member Astral TravellerMale/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 8 Years
10 Month Core Membership
Statistics 1,367 Deviations 21,366 Comments 40,850 Pageviews

Newest Deviations

Random Favourites

Groups

Journal History

4:20am.  It's almost time to take my meds so I'm anxious.  The meds are for anxiety.  I'm not anxious about them*, I'm anxious about everything else.

People tell me, "Why don't you worry about the whole world less and worry about yourself?" It's not a question, though, it's an admonishment, as if they know what it's like to feel the wings fall off a butterfly somewhere in Ethiopia, or another tree go groaning down in Madagascar, monkeys shrieking, as if they know what I know about... everything.

I AM worried about myself, and I DON'T know everything, and I know I'm going to run out of time before I win the war on ignorance.  It sounds arrogant.  I happen to know that compared to some people I am a dullard, a dim bulb.  I'm anxious for how THEY must feel about me, waiting for me to catch up, like a small child, running for their outstretched hand, but tripping on my shoelace and falling down, scraping myself up... again.

I HAVE closed down my world to a very small work area in the physical sense. That's why many people think I don't go anywhere or do anything but type.  I take care of my parents, and they, along with my doctors, take care of me (I'm recovering from minor surgery as I type.  An abscess near my lymph nodes under my armpit formed faster than I could keep it lanced.  The antibiotics are killing my gut flora, so I don't feel well.  At some point we're going to learn that it's a stupid thing to do to kill gut flora because it's they that have much to do with immunology, but we haven't yet).  I'm enabling my parents to do what they want in life, to the best of my limited abilities, for the rest of their lives if need be.

Every few weeks my mother says to me, "What would I do without you?" and I say, "I don't know, what would I do without you?" which is bittersweet because she's getting old, and I'm an alcoholic.  Either of us could go.  The results would be devastating to the other, but I know she's had a good life, and she isn't yet sure about that for me.  I know I have.  But it has been scarring.  Much of my skin and all my organs, my brain, is scarred.

I live with my father.  I keep the house I grew up in (without him) from falling down.  I keep it a loving, but sometimes barely in control place to live.  I learned how to do most of the things that my father should have taught me how to do by myself.  He, along with the rest of the family taught me how to love nature and books.  

My grandmother, who helped raise me in my father's stead from the age of five, taught me about rules and regulations and respect, and gender roles.  I was raised by three generations of women, like a wolf pack finding a little youngling ape.  I am loving and will lick your neck and run my fingers through your hair (only figuratively, if you are a male), but if I am rubbed the wrong way I bite--hard.

My mother taught me to always think for myself, though, to the point of sometimes letting me make mistakes, in order to think my way through them.  I understand rules and regs, I understand respect.  Rules are what you break through to find something better.  Regulations are how anarchy is kept at bay while you are breaking rules.  Not everyone should break the rules, just the ones who know how and why, and what must be sacrificed to find something new.  Respect is earned with a smile, not a command, but sometimes the truth needs to be told to get to something better, not just to win an argument.  Often the truth hurts the status quo.  Even if one loses friends and unimpresses people, the truth will set people free, and you may not even know them.  Eventually people recognise that.  The ones who are saved do, even if they don't remember who did it.

I'm still waiting for people to recognise that.  Many, many women say, "I just want to meet a man who can be honest with me." Yeah, right.  I'm that man.  In ANY relationship people don't want to hear the truth all the time.  In the absence of you telling lies, they have to find other things to bitch about when they are unhappy, like "Remember that time you told me the truth?!"

"Yes."

"You jerk!"

*sigh*

My attempts at "success" have been ill-timed and somewhat half-hearted.  I don't want fame, I'm too private.  I like to observe, not BE observed.  Oh, I don't know, I can play the game, but I always get anxious about it.  I'm anxious by myself, at 4:20am, how would I be if everyone was watching me?  They would be judging me.  I could say something and two different people would get two completely different meanings from the same sentence, and neither would be exactly right about what I DID try to say.  Fame would BE a sentence.  History is written by the biggest jerks.  Because those are the ones who people listen to for some odd reason.  Then it takes thoughtful people hundreds of years to actually get closer to the truth.

For one thing, I never thought that I'd be in a position to help my parents.  I assumed, like most people, that I would move out and start my own family the way my older sisters did, or started to do.  But I'm anxious, and I medicated with alcohol for many long years.  When kids were studying U.S. History and Geography, I was drinking Jack Daniels' and trying to keep up with Jim Morrison and Roger Daltry.  Then I discovered Led Zeppelin and things got really interesting.  Unfortunately I couldn't REALLY sing like Robert Plant until I was twenty-seven, and by then I was sober.  But I remembered all the poetry, lessons, and amazing talent in those bands, and got my own education.

"It is hard to get the news from poetry, yet men die miserably every day for lack of what is found there."    --William Carlos Williams

I was determined to try every street med I could find, to soothe the savage beast, while I waited for people to catch up to me, their hands held out like small children, tripping on their shoelaces.  I was tripping on SOMETHING, and breaking the rules of perception.  Like the way that wood glue is stronger than wood fibers and so won't break at a join, my perception was STRONGER when I put it back together, and still is.  Me?  I'm a wild one.  The beast that most people have soothed by school and work, and falling in line, I soothed by finding the beautiful in the everyday, but with that truth comes the flip side.  There is a dark side to truth.  There's a thorn in every rose.  It helps people to know where the thorns are, but it also makes one seem like that's all one cares about if one repeatedly points them out.  Truth isn't truth at all,  It's just reality.  It's OUR reality, which means a combination of everyone's until we start excluding people.  Truth is Earth, Air, Fire, and Water.  Reality is what we think we are doing with them.

We are good at excluding people.  We don't like people messing up our status quo with truths that we won't figure out for another twenty years, when some FAMOUS jerk tells us it's true.

I was a wild one.  Now I am reserved to the point that people think it's boring.  I have little money.  I can't afford to take many risks.  I get bored with myself, too, and that's dangerous.

Would I really want to be anywhere else?  Sometimes.  Sometimes I want to be almost anywhere else.  I want to go where nobody knows my name.  I want to go where everybody knows my name, and knows who I am, a reunion of old friends, face to face, not just what they read on facebook.   My family knows, and they love me.  My parents got me started in this world, and the least I can do is help them along at the end of theirs.  It's working out.  I don't get all the help I need, or all the money, or all the respect I would like, but it's working.

All things could change tomorrow.  If so, I've faced down death and bullies and taxes many, many times.  I can take on anything.  I am not afraid.  I am anxious.  Two completely different things.  Or maybe not.  You don't have to believe everything in a book. Maybe it's PTSD. Being afraid probably is an extreme sense of anxiety, but I've broken through it to the other side so many times I get calm, my mind gets incredibly clear, and I do absolutely whatever it takes to save the people around me, pull them from the overturned car, stand in front of them when someone has a gun or knife or closed fists, push or pull them out of the way of moving cars, turn them on their side so they don't asphyxiate, feed them when they won't eat, talk them down from suicide.  I might have stopped for the adulation, or the t-shirt or the fame, so someone could give me a field promotion or a medal but I was busy at the time.

When I'm working, when I'm doing the Mom & Pop thing or the corporate thing, I do get field promotions and adulations to the point where job titles have been created for me specifically.  I just get the job done.  Whatever it is.  When the fame has worn off I'm still getting the job done.  I illuminate.  I break the rules and make them better.  Sometimes that's rewarded, sometimes it's punished.  I don't care, I do what's right.

But all I do is type, don't I?  All I am is hot air, and nuzzles and bites.  And sometimes I howl--for butterflies, and trees...

*takes meds, relaxes*







*Ok, I AM worried about my meds.  Who knows what the long term effects of anti-anxietants/depressives is.  There hasn't been a long enough term yet to know.  I keep waiting to learn that they cause Alzheimer's, Parkinson's AND Multiple Sclerosis.  I'm anxious about that--for all the people that would harm.


J. Shidler, 2015-08-15, 4:20-6:20am
  • Mood: Anxious
  • Listening to: Public Broadcasting System
  • Reading: Myths And Mysteries in Archaeology
  • Watching: the clock
  • Playing: internal dialogues
  • Eating: macaroni and cheese
  • Drinking: diet root beer

deviantID

vikingjon
Astral Traveller
Artist | Professional | Varied
United States
Born in Boston, Massachusetts. Moved to Delaware at 6 months. Graduated University of Delaware with a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree. Still a bachelor.
Favourite music is Rock, Folk, Jazz. Favourite literature is Fantasy/Science fiction. Movie buff. Shaman, friend of elves. Urban/rural/aquatic/wild.
Interests

The Kids Are Alright

Highlighting hope and dismay in the modern world.

The Kids Are AlrightI'm going back to Rock and Roll.  
I've never been away really, but as I struggle with my own rebirth as a full-grown adult (I am 44 in 2013), and as I struggle with the way the world is changing, I am deciding to what extent my consciousness is maturing, and whether to "put away childish things", or at least which ones.  Rock and Roll is staying on the list of current events because it is as much a part of who I am as anything.  I can't disengage; it would be like removing my skeleton.  I don't have to fold it up and put it away in a drawer in order to be able to raise responsible kids or care for the elderly, but I do influence enough people that I have to come to terms with what Rock music IS, and whether it is a danger or a divinity.
It is both.
In a stellar example, I can't help seeing shades of The Who in what Nirvana was doing in the late eighties/early nineties.  Not to compare them directly or with intricacy, if you're a fan you've maybe already done t
The Kids Are Alright 2Where are those who speak out against blind faith and corruption?  Out of sight, and out of mind--hassled and detained on technicalities and infractions, led away to the pens to be reeducated about bullshit, or kicked out on the streets.  Those who don't want to play the game are not as well respected as those who use flashy domination and ladder climbing as an ideal, those who insinuate themselves into power and "society", by changing their stripes to match the herd's, but EVERYONE develops a skill that gives them an edge.  We are all cutting-edge in some way--all of us are.  We are all inherently skilled and creative.   It is part of human nature.  It is a basic aspect of life that we must compete in some way or join a religious retreat.  No one wants to identify as "poor" because we are still so rich in spirit and talents, but there is a flood of exodus from the upper-crust parties, even as wealth explodes for a tiny percentage of that thinning, in The Kids Are Alright 3Meanwhile, the secret machinations behind the scenes of "democracy" are at work as if The Cold War never ended.  We sell arms to tribesmen, then double-cross them and watch our towers fall.  "How dare they attack our Empire!", we wonder, idiotically.  Our obvious inattention to realistic outcomes is staggering, and now our countries stagger themselves, like punch-drunk prize-fighters, because we forgot basic maths, economics, human rights, and moral philosophy all at the same time!  No, terror is not credible, it is disgusting, but there IS a twisted logic behind it.  We reap what we sow.  And whereas our official policy used to be that "We will not treat with terrorists."  We always DID behind the scenes.  We do it openly now.  The CIA is now, according to senator John McCain, in Syria training rebels, some of whom have posted videos of beheadings and lining up those heads of their conquests on bookshelves as trophies.  This is the lev The Kids Are Alright 4Does ANY of that legal, or business, or political mumbo-jumbo REALLY represent us, The American People, and Peoples around the world?  Of course not.  It never has.  It represents the one percent of leaders who CANNOT dig their way to the surface of their own bullshit-spewing machine into the light of day again, plus whoever they can dupe into unwavering loyalty no matter what nonsense they pull.  That is NOT who we are!  In EVERY culture of the world, the power brokers are LUCKY, LUCKY, if they represent even a fraction of the general population.  One reason is because they promise us everything we ask for when running for office and then deliver a fraction of that, or some ill-gotten commodity to placate us, some of which is helpful, and some of which only delays the bite we feel when our systems break down because they were playing games, not leading us to our OWN goals.  We elect an idealised image, and they immediately begin to act counter to wha The Kids Are Alright 5In our search through the world's craziness and intelligence, in our journeys and pilgrimages, we each may come to COMBINE our wisdoms from around the world, and be a HUMAN tribe, not hold desperately onto our own methods in the face of global knowledge and reason.  It is ok to have an identity, a tribal history and love, but does it have to be exclusive?  Not in America, and look at all of the corporations and governments still trying to insert themselves and CONTROL the greatest sources of global knowledge ever to come along: world universities, the internet, religions.  Look at them SURVIELLING AND OPPRESSING and charging higher and higher FEES to their own people as a means of control, mimicking each other in a hypocritical bid to NOT be like the other guy, when they mostly end up being EXACTLY like each other.  We all end up exactly alike using nearly the same tactics, only to different degrees.   We CHOOSE to live by the law.  Our will CANNOT be cont The Kids Are Alright 6Art and education tells us the truth about the world.  THAT is what music does, and especially Rock and Roll: it helps us to push back the encroachment of flawed ideals long enough for us to study them and to reform our attitudes into something stronger, something better, something truthful, something priceless.  Are there casualties?  There are.  Any time we push through the doors of consciousness there are times when we push too far, or are ourselves pushed too far and over a cliff, or thugs are sent out to beat us down.  The outriders and scouts sometimes don't come back; the prophets are consumed in the repressions of their damning society and their era, always inherently geared towards backlash; the shamans go on their vision quests and one day don't return (maybe because no one listened anyway, or didn't comprehend), and we are left to close ranks and find more volunteers.  The people are caught between joining those wanting change and following lead

Comments


Add a Comment:
 
:iconpossumfan:
PossumFan Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the fave!
Reply
:iconvikingjon:
vikingjon Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2015  Professional General Artist
Very welcome!
Reply
:iconlunarying:
lunarying Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2015
Thank you for the favourite!
Reply
:iconvikingjon:
vikingjon Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2015  Professional General Artist
You're quite welcome for the favourite. :)
Reply
:iconmetalwaya:
metalwaya Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Just wanted to say thanks for the :+fav:
Hope you're doing well.
Reply
:iconvikingjon:
vikingjon Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2015  Professional General Artist
You're very welcome, Alexa!  Yes, all is good here.  Hope you are as well. :heart:
Reply
:iconruimanuelr:
ruiManuelR Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2015
Thank you for the :+fav:s. Jon. :thanks:
Reply
:iconvikingjon:
vikingjon Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2015  Professional General Artist
You are very welcome, Rui! I hope you are well! :)
Reply
:iconruimanuelr:
ruiManuelR Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2015
Not so well, Jon; but holding on : ) Thanks for asking. Hope that everything 's alright with you.
Reply
:iconvikingjon:
vikingjon Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2015  Professional General Artist
Everything's ok. :)  I'm sorry to hear things aren't great for you.  :(  Please note me if you feel like talking about it, my friend.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:icontrippy4u:
Trippy4U Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2015
Thanks kindly, Jon:iconwineplz:
Reply
:iconvikingjon:
vikingjon Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2015  Professional General Artist
My pleasure! :)
Reply
:iconwirikos:
Wirikos Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2015
Hallo, and thank You :)
Reply
:iconvikingjon:
vikingjon Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2015  Professional General Artist
You are very welcome! :)
Reply
:iconhermetic-wings:
Hermetic-Wings Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you so much for your kind support dearJon my friend :D
please have a nice sunday :D
Reply
:iconvikingjon:
vikingjon Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2015  Professional General Artist
Thanks to you as well, Ayhan. :) I hope you are having a wonderful week. :)
Reply
:iconhermetic-wings:
Hermetic-Wings Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
We have a religious festival here on this weekend. But everybody arranged their mood to holliday so; even though we have too much to do on factory but the things are moving so slow. So I am feeling uncomfortable even if I am working hard but not finishing the things properly. Hope the things woud beb better on next week :D
Reply
:iconvikingjon:
vikingjon Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2015  Professional General Artist
I hope the festival went well!  I hope it was worth people being excited and not keeping their minds on work, and now I hope that they will be ready to get back to production, until the next holiday! :D
Reply
(1 Reply)
:icontrippy4u:
Trippy4U Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2015
Thanks kindly, Jon :peace:
Reply
:iconvikingjon:
vikingjon Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2015  Professional General Artist
You're welcome, Richard! :)
Reply
Add a Comment: